I ramble because I can.

Hi God.

Now it’s really hit me.  School is out of the way, and you’ve paved a new path for me.

One thing that has always bothered me about times like is, that I always feel neutral; not overly sad or overly happy. Just right in the middle. Normal, I guess.

I hate that! I depend on my feelings. When I feel this way I feel like there’s something off. I feel like I’m suppose to feel one or the other….REALLY HAPPY or REALLY SAD. That’s just the way I am. But instead I feel like I’m dwelling in a grey area.

Maybe it’s just that I have issues with letting go.  I put so so so much into the idea of being a Teacher. So much! Now, just like that, I’ve dropped it. Literally dropped my program, my classes – dropped it ALL.

I think I’m grieving.  Grieving the loss of a beautiful idea that I nurtured, I loved, and dreamed about. THAT is what I’m having a hard time letting go of! The feelings connected to the idea.

It’s almost like I’m sad about the ‘what could have been.’ I’m split because I won’t get to see that idea prosper into reality.

I want to do so many things in life and because I can’t do everything all it once, it truly saddens me.

BUT. God. You love me, and I love you. We’re a team and you’ve been so good to me.

I trust everything you have in store for me.

lets go.

thatswhatevesaid: about chocolate factories and conformity

Have you lost your sense of wonder?

 I know within the past year, I did…

In fact, up to this point I didn’t realize it was gone.

 

When I was a child, one of my favorite movies was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (none of that 2005, Johnny Depp nonsense). My favorite part wasn’t the kids,the golden ticket, the factory, or the infamous girl who turns into a giant blueberry, but rather the concept of free thinking, childish wonder, and…pure imagination.

In life, especially in the earlier years, we are encouraged to conform in society.  We comply in such ways by decorating our lives with respectable education and incomes, a few dashes of logical thought, a tattoo that reads ‘being realistic’, and a cup of normality at the dawn of every day. The result of this progression makes us a little more experienced, responsible and developed.

Don’t get me wrong – I totally want all of that. There’s a familiarity and consistency that comes with conformity.  I hear it’s safe and warm there too.

I realized a short time ago, that one of my greatest fears is losing my sense of wonder or imagination. This fear presented itself about a month ago; it occurred to me that I was simply just, ‘fitting in’, and doing what was expected and advised. You could say I was down-playing a side of myself and doing what people were telling me to do.

What a harsh reality it is when you realize how far-gone you really are! I had lost myself for a second.  Myself and her sense of wonder, I mean.

This may not make a lot of sense, but isn’t that why they call it an imagination? See! I’ve got it back! I’m not making any sense! HA.

But more importantly, as I continue to grow and evolve into myself, I’m going to promise not to lose that spark of pure imagination ever again! I don’t know about you but, my T.V. views in color, not black and white, I refuse to be on the straight and narrow, and the sky is not a limit.  I’m going to live the rest of my life through metaphors and fluffy language…

Or maybe in my imagination. 

 
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thatswhatevesaid : from 19 to 20

I changed my mind…

I won’t be attending my university lectures, I won’t ask whether you want a Grande or Venti sized latte, and I definitely won’t be used to living beyond the walls of my parents home.

19 was a hard year – I obtained a diploma in makeup, I landed a luxurious position in one of the best designer retailers, I excelled, I met amazing peeps….

 an utter catastrophe, I know.

I wanted to go a different direction, which introduced a butt-load of anxiety. A literal butt-load that costed me my childish perspective of life,  and forced me to re-evaluate who I wanted to be.  The best way to relieve myself of this indescribable doom, was to quit (makeup) and do something else ( dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb).

I didn’t know it at the time, but my anxiety was a wake-up call to real life; I was experiencing many things at once, and I wasn’t ready to handle it. BUT, I was ready to go back to school (coward). I wanted to be a student again, and thrive in the familiarity of old friends, homework, and the same-old-same-old. Basically, sew my ego back together.

The summer of my start-over consisted of working, preparing for school, and volunteering. I had a re-established plan for my future, new experiences as teacher, and an acceptance into university!

Throughout this time, I discovered how different I was becoming too; my room was cleaner, the T.V. was off, I had more clarity, a sense of self, I was thinking more about God, and my thoughts of adventure and independence were prominent.

I wanted to LIVE and break free of myself – my old self in a sense. I wanted to teaching people, work hard, be in new places, meet different people, and be full in the spirit of Christ. Even now it’s riveting to entertain such ideas.

Call it divine intervention, marvelous sorcery, or plain ridiculousness but… I decided to go back into makeup. 

Now, at 20, I’m being considered for a phenomenal position with Tom Ford cosmetics; which requires training from the best- of- the- best in New York City. I’ll also be moving on my own, becoming best friends with Christ, teaching makeup, launching my life, meeting people, and, oh yeah, living!

I changed my mind.

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thatswhatevesaid: about tests

So this is what being tested feels like?
Heavy hearts,
Watery eyes, and opaque thoughts?

Thanks God.

You are the teacher we all love to hate, the person that drives too slow, and the obligation I have to nonfat milk – don’t test me, God.

I had a plan.
It was laid out, nail – by – nail.
Then you flipped my table.
Can’t you see I’m simply trying to walk here?!

OK.

I’ve settled a little. I’m listening now.
Give me your opinion, your point of view…?
I’ve always liked writing.
Let’s begin with the introduction;
We’ll take turns.
I’ll start and…

You can write the rest.

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thatswhatevesaid: about lost souls, tears, and Wednesdays

I can honestly say, I’m not he most honest person.

But, I’m going to be honest with you…

My life changed on August 20, 2014.

I listened, I prayed, and I cried like a waterfall –  It certainly was not cute.

 

The past two weeks, I’ve been attending a connect group at C4.  We have been studying the series called, Soul Keeping: Caring for the Most Important Part of You.  The series was broken down into 6 video sessions, lead by bestselling author and pastor, John Ortberg.

It’s a phenomenal series that realistically digests and guides you through the concept of the human soul, and how these explanations can then be applied to our relationship with God.  Regretfully, I was only present for the last two sessions, and my explanation of the series may not be fully developed, though that was more than enough to change everything!

Last night, what really hit home was the explanation of the ‘slowness of God’ ,

Frederick Faber explains,

“In the spiritual life [God chooses] to try our patience first of all by his slowness… He is slow; we are swift and                          precipitate.  It is because we are but for a time, and he has been from eternity….”

 

 

This post was suppose to pan out differently but, this feels like a nice place to conclude.

 

I’m taking it slow…
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