“So, I have a lot of anxiety. I say that all the time and it’s something I hate about myself. My mom always said that if I used the word ‘hate’ it meant that I wished death on whatever I had such feelings about. Well. With all my heart…. I’d love for my anxiety to kick the bucket. The sad thing about that previous statement is that I’ve given my anxiety legs and feet with enough force to kick a bucket. How stupid of me to think that my anxiety should have any power to kick over buckets. I wish it were only that strong. Right now it has a hold on my heart. I feel helpless. Honestly. I don’t know why I let things get this far within myself to the point where I feel helpless. I feel almost inconsolable.”
This was how I decided to feel at one point. I had chased my endless train of thought far too long, and I never did get to the end. I never will, and that’s something very hard for me to accept. It makes me frustrated that I don’t have the remote control, a crystal ball, or any sort of omniscient power to see all that will be…MY LIFE. *flips table*
I feel a ‘push’. I can feel God working very specifically on areas of myself and my life and something is ‘PUSHING’ me! It feels soul-clenching at times but, I suspect that the ‘soul-clenching’ is God rearing my life in the direction in which he, oh so politely, wants it to go.
I’m always telling myself the same things: I feel out of control, not confident, not ready, and too hysterical for my own good. I’m just too hysterical.
In short, I’m human and I know nothing. It’s like God got the joke, and I’m just sitting here…watching him laugh….still not getting it.
Throughout the Bible we read about many chosen individuals that God uses to deliver the truth. At my church, we are studying the books of 1st and 2nd Peter; in these writings, Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, illustrates the way which Christians should live, the holiness of suffering, and the purpose that God has placed on all of our lives as His people: to live for God, and regard all suffering in the name of Jesus as a blessing; for he suffered for us, and because Jesus Christ is the only ‘living hope’ that we have in this life.
In this study, God chose Peter as his messenger. Peter from a worldly perspective, was unqualified; a misfit that had many limitations weighed against him…I’m sure all of humanity can relate to this. Yet, in spite of this God chose him anyway.
I think I feel like a misfit a lot of the time; significantly unqualified and in most moments radically insecure about the blessings, situations, or life that I’ve been given. But, in this I have to remember that God calls us into action differently, and prepares us uniquely for his plan; he chooses us.
It started with Adam and then with Eve, and, Jesus Christ has had a plan from the very beginning. This perfect idea God has for us will come with great reward.
We are his people, and he will continually keep us out of harm… we just have to allow ourselves to trust him. Trust the call that he has on our lives, and trust that he has overcome all that you will encounter in this life.
Trust God…he gets the joke, and you certainly do not. Don’t try to. Just sit there. One day you’ll get it.
“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”
― L.R. Knost