Heart Thoughts

As much as I tell myself that something shouldn’t matter so much, it matters a lot.

There’s a lot of things going on with me right now; I just walked out of my job today for the last time. I said goodbye to all the familiar faces I’ve worked with for almost 3 years. I see them this Sunday but, saying goodbye is a hard, and I realize it only when I’m most alone with my thoughts.

The day before, I basically concluded (I have to finish packing the last bag) the packing up of my life. This took me a couple of days, and it’s been kind of a hazy feeling every since. I’m both excited, yet I’m also so close to tears.

So much in the last few days has closed in on itself; my life is stopping but also going on.

Right now I’m quite distraught. I’m feeling pretty filled with emotion about what my life is right now, and I don’t feel like I’m being heard; maybe because I never actually say what I need. I’ll say it now:

I need lots and lots of love right now. I need to be told that I am loved, and that I am important. I need to be told that you can’t wait for me to arrive off the plane, and that you’re going to hug me tight! I need to be told about all the places you want to show me, and that the time we have together will be wonderful. I need to hear that you want me, badly. I need to hear that you’ll take care of me. This is what I need to hear before the biggest journey of my life. I need to hear those very things.

I never want to be selfish but, I feel like I need to be sometimes. This change is much bigger for me than anyone else. It is. It’s tough for me, and I need to say that without feeling bad about it. My needs are valid, and they are important too.

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When September Ends…

the start of a new chapter begins!

I’ll have a new place to call home,

…and we’ll close 1,932.1 miles of love from Canada to Utah.

This has been an entry I’ve wanted to write for a long time; I’ve wanted to be at this point since I first met you (Joe).

I remember you driving us back to your parents house from an evening out – my first time ever visiting Utah – and the dark, sparking landscape of Salt Lake City had captured me! I remember turning to you and saying, ” Yeah, I could move here.” That is the moment it began for me; you no longer had to hint, joke, or give me a reason to move…I simply wanted to.

Now with some years in between, no one can undo that beautiful moment, or scare me with doubt or hesitation about my decision. I simply want to.

In a matter of weeks, life will be very different; I’ll be leaving the nest that formed me, MADE ME, and loved me for the last 24 years. I know my parents are putting on a strong face now, but they’re going to crumble up in love and maybe (probably) some tears when they let me go. My Dad has always been transparent about how much he wants me to leave – no hard feelings – that’s just his way of saying he wants me to have my own life; a full life that I create. That is his sweet send-off to me. I’m spreading my wings, Daddy!

Utah. This is the interesting part of this whole new life in front of me; I had no idea that wondrous, Mormon-filled, mountain-peaking Utah would ever be a place I would call home. God, how did that happen – serious inquiry, though??

Utah, I can’t believe I get to pass your border, discover you, and get to know you personally. I’m on a mission to know you’re Good News, tell me about it.

But when September ends, so does the crappy phone connection, the months of waiting, our love/hate relationship with the US gov’t, the nights of wishing that you were here with me, and the pockets of time that we spent living too far apart. By this month end, 4 years worth of prayer, growth, faith, and inspiring love will be the depth of a closed chapter, and the start of a new one. We’re going to create one beautiful life, Joe; no one is as hilarious you, and worth marrying twice. This’ll be the start of getting to know each other again, and being familiar all at the same time. I keep hearing that living together will be hard, but so is loving from 2,000 miles away – perspective is something isn’t it?

Together is my favourite place to be, and we’re just around the corner to making that happen. I can’t wait to have a home with you, and only life between us. You’re my amazing reward at the end of this.

My heart is full, and I simply love you.

Idaho…

How am I suppose to survive this week? I’m used to calling you every night, and this week that’s not happening. I’m all over the place, and I can’t stop thinking about how much I want you here.

This is not pleasant, and I feel more vulnerable than usual. I’m surfing through pictures, videos, and a reel of memories I tuck away in my mind. Why do you have to leave me, and put me through this every year?! It breaks my heart. Plus, my PMS symptoms are not making things any easier.

And another thing: why have I strayed so far from Go? It’s like he’s not important to me anymore; I used to religiously (pun intended) do my devotionals and read from my bible app everyday. My streak was so high, and I would kick myself in the face if I missed a day. Now, I’m too busy with Youtube, Facebook, and Instagram to care about the verse of the day. It’s not right and I know it. I’ve been really beating myself up about it.

I’m going to go repent now, and cry. I miss my forever love….

Can I just talk about him for a sec:

Joseph is my absolute world; I literally feel like I can’t breath with him – that’s a terrible way to feel about someone isn’t it? I feel like o shouldn’t depend on him like life support. But that’s just how I feel about this husband of mine.

I also feel reassured that I’ll be seeing him in a few weeks; that’ll be so nice, and so needed. I don’t understand how we’ve done this; God orchestrated it this way. I’ll have know Jospeh 4 years this coming August and I c ant believe it! I never would have thought HE would be my husband. I’m so proud that he’s mine…always. My lung. My actually lungs. I propose he really doesn’t have a problem with being my lungs, just as long as my hearts set on him too.

I’ll end it here. I’m so tired from making myself so upset. Forgive me dear God. Love you my Joe.

Missing Him at the Party

Today, I celebrated my wonderful friend’s birthday. Her 37th. It was a fabulous time, and it was wonderful to meet her very much alive and well brother in law whom I recently prayed for, her friends, lots of oysters, and much alcohol and laughter around the table. Like I said…it was fabulous.

Fabulous, and lacking the most important person to me. My husband.

There wasn’t a seat left for you, but you were definitely invited; I made lots of space in my mind for you – no one let me forget you. I’m the one with the husband from Utah who’s moving ‘hopefully before May.’

I love you. And all these couples around the table make me sad. I’m one of those too, you know! He’s just away at the moment; 2 hours behind away- in Utah.

I’m used to it, but I still cried on the way home listening to the Waitress musical. I still cried.

One day we’ll have all our life together, as ‘they’ say. In that time, we’ll eat meals, and dine with friends…it’ll be fabulous!

Fabulous now too. I take you with me everywhere I am. My heart remembers you, my love.

All my love to you my husband.

Confessions

So here’s the thing: I’ve developed a sinful habit of gossiping and speaking ill of other people. My reasons for doing so aren’t rational, but I chop it up to wanting to make myself feel important, and fit in amongst my peers.

God has placed the names of a few people that come to mind that I’ve done wrong to, and the reason I’m admitting to my downfalls today; I see that what I’m doing is far from the goodness of God, and for only his sake, I need to make myself right and reveal the hollow sin in my life.

For you, all known to God that I have been mean to and criticized, I am sorry for what I have said about you, and I how I have treated you. It is not right, nor is there an excuse.

I’m regretful of what I’ve done, what I have said, and moreover, how this habit has separated me from one of the most important aspects of my call as daughter of Jesus Christ: to love one another.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16

For My Joe

Oh, my Joe…

I’ve never adored someone as much as I do you; I thought I had a first love already, then I managed to miss you more, love you more, want you more. And most.

These past 6 months of being married have been at best, the most wonderful times and saddest times of my life. Thank God I have Robert to cuddle at night…I’m of course talking about the teddy bear, Robert (that name was your idea might I remind you).

I’m tired of wishing, and I know someday I won’t have to…I’ll be cuddled up next to you. Right where I meant to be; the safest place for me is anywhere you are.

Your spirit is perfect for mine; I know God is behind our harmony. Like all the rest of life…how has he made such a thing that exceeds me.

I’m honoured that you are mine, and I am yours. I love you further than what my arms can stretch, and beyond any words I can write. My husband, my love.

Loooooooooong Distance 

Dialling. Active Now. Log On. 

End Call. Offline. Log Off. 

I wrap my life up into these things because the most important person in my life lives on the other end of these devices. 

My day actually begins before I sleep, and ends after an hour; a playful phone goodbye, typed hearts, and my favourite, ”I love you more.” 

The best part of my day is when we’re both tired, and have no energy for anyone else but each other. 

Though tonight I’m only tears. The call is over, and I’m alone. End Call. Offline. Log Off. 

I always feel most intense about you when all is done. The technology has ended but I’m still going – still loving – I don’t have an End Call. An Offline. A Log Off, feature. 

At this time I long for you. A long to not be cut off from you. To have actual presence that allows me to touch, gaze at, or sit in pleasant silence. Instead our reality is scheduled and time sensitive.  I can’t settle with that, and I have to. 

A long distance relationship is certainly not an easy task. Though, it’s the task within this task, where we’ve actually created a beautiful task:

We have a relationship that picks-up from where it left off, twice a year (when we see each other) – either in Canada or Utah. It’s a relationship with bad reception, dropped phone calls, glitchy Skype calls, and handwritten notes of our love, with disdain for geography. It’s a relationship I’m excited about every single day/a reminder that each day is just a day we’re still away. 

Our relationship is my greatest testament that has shown me the blessings of commitment, love, loneliness, passion, submission, curtousy, resiliency, happiness, maturity, honesty, pain and joy- all of which repeat themselves. 

Our relationship is questionable because I haven’t discovered what drives me nuts besides that of loving you. 

You are the greatest person I’ve ever met, and Jesus knew we’d be just fine with over 2,500 miles in between. 

So there’s the task within the task. A lot of long waiting,  lot of distance, and copious amount of relationship. 

I’ll call you tonight.