Loooooooooong Distance 

Dialling. Active Now. Log On. 

End Call. Offline. Log Off. 

I wrap my life up into these things because the most important person in my life lives on the other end of these devices. 

My day actually begins before I sleep, and ends after an hour; a playful phone goodbye, typed hearts, and my favourite, ”I love you more.” 

The best part of my day is when we’re both tired, and have no energy for anyone else but each other. 

Though tonight I’m only tears. The call is over, and I’m alone. End Call. Offline. Log Off. 

I always feel most intense about you when all is done. The technology has ended but I’m still going – still loving – I don’t have an End Call. An Offline. A Log Off, feature. 

At this time I long for you. A long to not be cut off from you. To have actual presence that allows me to touch, gaze at, or sit in pleasant silence. Instead our reality is scheduled and time sensitive.  I can’t settle with that, and I have to. 

A long distance relationship is certainly not an easy task. Though, it’s the task within this task, where we’ve actually created a beautiful task:

We have a relationship that picks-up from where it left off, twice a year (when we see each other) – either in Canada or Utah. It’s a relationship with bad reception, dropped phone calls, glitchy Skype calls, and handwritten notes of our love, with disdain for geography. It’s a relationship I’m excited about every single day/a reminder that each day is just a day we’re still away. 

Our relationship is my greatest testament that has shown me the blessings of commitment, love, loneliness, passion, submission, curtousy, resiliency, happiness, maturity, honesty, pain and joy- all of which repeat themselves. 

Our relationship is questionable because I haven’t discovered what drives me nuts besides that of loving you. 

You are the greatest person I’ve ever met, and Jesus knew we’d be just fine with over 2,500 miles in between. 

So there’s the task within the task. A lot of long waiting,  lot of distance, and copious amount of relationship. 

I’ll call you tonight. 

Advertisements

Today is the 23rd

1 month since giving my life to Christ. 

3 weeks since I said ‘YES!’ to you.  

It’s Tuesday! 

Today is the 23rd. 

Through peace-covered excitement, and set in stone commitments, I took my life from my hands and sealed my soul to my God, my Saviour, and my eternal friend. 
Then as Daddy’s do for their daughters, I believe, within the peace I had through baptism, He gave me to you. 
It’s been 3 weeks, and I can’t hold in how much I love you. Oh, how Christ has secured our likeness, our faith, and our love – all praises to Him!! 

It’s Tuesday! 

Today is the 23rd. 

truly complete 

Something I’ve learned from the Bible is this: God is the essential to life and love; holding our smallest wants to our grandest purposes between his almighty palms. Evidently we are lost without God; his imprint on our hearts and lives is necessary to fill us completely, otherwise we turn to the world for this ‘fill’ instead.

 


 

Me Before You inspires a tender message of the power of compassion, the complexities of life, love, and also has two really good Ed Sheeran songs.

I was swept up one summer’s eve, when I saw the movie trailer about a physically disabled man and his caregiver falling in deep L-O-V-E, love. Aside from the appropriateness of this relationship, one is quickly clued in as to why this story will indeed, rip. your. heart. out.

The charming but disturbed leading man, Will Traynor, and the adorable but clueless, Louisa Clark, take us on a journey of what it’s about to ‘live bodly,’ while tackling the controversial ideas of choosing to die when the boldness of life seem impossible to attain.

Throughout the story, one naturally sympathizes with Will Traynor; a young man who once lived on the highest levels of success, adventure, and excitement — now after years of little improvement and compromised goals, he is left bitter, depressed, and tormented by the limitations of his life as a quadriplegic man; this which encourages his conclusions of ending his own life after the duration of six months.

Admirably Louisa is set on changing his mind, and takes it upon herself to think up fun/inspiring ideas to help Will realize the value to his life and her love for him despite his focus on his own disabilities. Her professional role as caregiver quickly turns to an urgent personal responsibility of fighting for life, love, and hope.

The final impression from this story was partly inspirational, incredibly sweet, and sad. It goes to show that I’ll always be a sucker for anything lovely-dovey, and anything A Walk to Remember-ish. I loved this book/film, but I’m left with that half-hearted feeling…like something didn’t quite settle properly.

Frankly, the love between two people fell short. All efforts failed. Sad, but true.

( *Hold the phone* )

How possible is it that the underlying innuendo of all this is that, everything falls short without God at the centre? When we depend solely on ourselves or each other, and do not look to God, the perfect author, maker, and teacher of completeness, we are headed for complete despair.

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:5-6

God is the only avenue of true love and life. We can rely on ourselves but love from God is the only thing that can truly save us. He is a faithful lover of his creation, and He hopes for us to naturally seek him to find ultimate completeness in Him. He is the only way we can completely love, completely live, and completely change and transform our minds. He is eternal love and eternal life. We die without God, and everything else is an unreliable source.

Ultimately, I think the “tell me something good” message of Me Before You was meant to emphasize that life is meant to be lived, and not lived through. Everyone has the potential to be bold, and become their best self. But, life and love are gifts that don’t have to be accepted —- the choice is ours.

But God outlines a different option that unwraps our despair, and fills us with meaning, life, and love.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

 

 

 

 

The Art of Being Out of Control

          One time, I did this cool thing called planning my life. Not all of it of course, but I had a fuzzy idea of what I wanted to make of myself.

          Technically, I was being responsible and making sure that I set all my ducks in a row by figuring out: a career, my likes, my loves, my dislikes, and also discovering myself while of course, having fun — because I’m young, free, and by 25 all will go downhill; including my metabolism, fountain of youth, and childlike wonder (I know there’s a few other drawbacks but, I’m assuming I’ll know when I get there).  The important thing is that I had a plan. 

In the midst of all of this, I re-established and  discovered my image and faith in Jesus Christ. I committed to consciously connect with my Lord and Savior, everyday and all the time.

          I was in control. I had a grip on how I felt things needed to be, when in reality God had been leading the show all along….my life show.

          This little life of mine that I drew up so strategically, is actually developing frayed edges and falling away so gracefully.  I feel like I’m being undone, replanted,  and fully tied up into something extraordinary that only God could have created. My life is shifting in a direction I never imagined for myself and it has subtly, freaked me out.

In a way I’m collapsing into pieces and I’m not even mad about it.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope. Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT) 

          I can’t  grasp the direction that my life is going, and I’m willing to leave that with God.  My life right now is, extraordinary and unfimiliar. I’m changing and falling in love with every moment, every piece, and every person along the way too.

I’m out of control and God thankfully is in control. I’m falling apart and falling exquisitely into place. How lovely. I’m not even 25.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13 (NLT)

Why Love Why?

I wish I could be stronger.  Then I wouldn’t feel the need to cry, or be reminded of all the loveliness that causes so much pain.

Love and pain are almost one in the same.  Love feels like too much desire, and pain is the desire itself. Does that make sense? My own feelings have a way of filling me up right to the top, and spilling all over myself…everything is just mess now.

I’m so happy it’s this way though.  This hardness that no one talks about that you feel when love is so painful, it’s almost delightful.

I read somewhere that first loves can be one of the most devastating means of heartbreak.  What if I’m devastated but not heartbroken.  My heart is actually very much together.  It just falls every now and again.

But this must be Jesus? This must be the way Jesus feels when we turn our hearts from him.  That’s heartbreaking.

This man is always bugging my brain.  His face is always showing up when I’m trying to have a good day; I’ll be going out, or seeing a friend, or just doing every day things.  He ruins what was suppose to be a good day. He wonderfully makes the day bright, yet so very dark.  This is a hard thing to go through.  It’s like a flickering light bulb.  How annoying.

But this is God isn’t it? It’s you right? Who else?

How can I know? It’s the way he makes me feel when he’s not even there. I’ll be looking at him, though that fuzzy screen, and WOW, it’s him! His shirt looks great…what a face, I love his face…and UH how I’ve waited to see him actually looking at me! With the same lovey look that I look at him with.  It really gives me so much life.  His far-a-way presence but also so close.

It’s hard to believe that these feelings have been felt over and over, and there expected but DARN, my senses make it feel like the first time they’ve felt such hurt. My feelings bully me everyday….hitting me at all my weak points.

But someday, I imagine that it won’t be like this at all.

It’s overwhelming to think that I’ll be walking into something new very soon. I never imagined that this is what 21 would be like.  A future that involves a lot of love. A lot of it. With the BEST MAN EVER. He really is THE best. I had to put that out there..way into….the universe.

All I can think about is love, marriage, marriage vows, where and when our personalities WILL clash, cooking an actual meal of some sort, that whole ‘me’ to ‘we’ phenomenon, sharing everything, our possible dog, that whole Canadian to American change-over thing, the across the country (universe) moving part….I’m a wife…well…alright.

Why love why? Because God has been good to me.

Love Letter

My Beloved Sovereign Lord and Heavenly Father,

Look how far we have come! When we began we were planting mustard seeds, and now we are standing atop of mountains looking at the flourished scenery.
      
You have overcome all my sin, illuminated my heart, and revived my spirit! Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and you, God, have opened my eyes to see it.
                                                 
Before all of this, my faith was elsewhere and I did not know you.  Life by my own hand was miguided, and riddled with anxiety.
             
Though when I saught you out you anchored my heart.

How wonderful, how enchanting, and how effortlessly you radiate perfection.
 
Your hand has extended to me, and restored my broken heart. Your presence is within me, and I wish to dwell in your grace and bring others into that living place.    

My God, how I love you. You are a wonderful sight to me; for I have found you in the calmness of my morning and the brightness of my nights. How awesome it is that your truth has saturated my spirit.

You are marvelous my God, my Rock, my Redeemer, and eternal love.

My waking desire has been enticed by you, and I am excited for my future; in all the ways that I will draw closer to you. I will have questions, make new discoveries, and encounter the difficulties and joyous parts of your plan for me.

I’m caught up in you dear friend and life long love. For you, Jesus, have all of me.

1 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.

2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.

3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.

4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.

5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.

6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.

Psalm 23:1-6

image

For the Love of God…and Ribs

I’ll start where God started,

In the beginning, Genesis chapter 1, starts with the design of heaven and earth; God creates light and darkness, known as day and night — the ground with livestock and wild animals, known as land — and the waters of the sea, which he populated with fish and other forms of life.

By verse 26, he crafts the creation of mankind and designs the first generation of people.

This is the first account of all creation; the mighty hand of the Sovereign Lord forming the beginning of everything.

The awesomeness continues in Genesis 2:18, 21-24 (NIV)

18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs[a] and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib[b] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
    for she was taken out of man.”

24 “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” 

The lovely idea of ‘oneness’ and joined union to another human being is highly satisfying and pleasing to the heart; although love and relationships are absolutely wonderful, there is something to be said on why it is imperative to become ‘suitable’ within yourself before you are for someone else. In simpler terms, woman was basically a ‘prime’ rib for man; she was formed specifically because she was right for him.

After all, when God created man, he instructed him to do a lot of ground work (literally) before (his) woman ever existed.

When I think of my own relationship, my source of joy is not only from the man that I share it with, but in fact by the God that created him.  The active presence of Jesus within myself and the relationship itself, is what ultimately creates such unity between the one I love, but also the God that I loved first. If I had wavering faith in God and myself, I wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibility of such grand blessings.

 Like creation, it all started with God. 

 I know the whole “rib-from-a-man-forming-a-woman-and-being-one” is a thousand times, to the tenth power, uber romantic but, if I had not decided to give my life to God, my feelings towards my relationship would have been very different.

29  “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29 (NIV)

The idea of starting this blog was to intentionally gratify God and develop as a woman of God.  The radical changes that have taken place, have shown that there is work being done within me, and my life.  I have gained more satisfaction in Jesus and myself; and I’ve had more clarity and joy than I could have ever imagined.

I’m delighted at the blessings of growth, love, and pure faith that are evident in my life today. I will continually seek my creator.

I want to be a ‘prime’ rib.

12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
    I will glorify your name forever. Psalms 86:12 (NIV)

INAUGURAL GOWN // amazing work from from @Katie Schmeltzer Schmeltzer Rodgers